School starts tomorrow. Not law school, but the other school. I hadn't thought about it much as I've been through the motions - set up a payment plan for this semester's fees, logged into the instruction software to see what the first half's curriculum looks like. Thankfully, it's not as bad as I expected - completing 8 Coursera courses in 8 weeks last fall was MADNESS. With admin stuff out of the way, I guess my mind could finally think about it just before bed.
Then, the tears came. At my big age. Tears are a helpful indicator of how I'm feeling because they surprise me when they drop, and make me realize that I'm actually sad about something. Revolutionary, right? In this case, sad about the fact that though I have tried, I am still in the same position I was last year. Immigration in limbo, hanging on by a thread with a grad program that I do not need. Not free to work. One full year off the path - not practicing law, not a career break either because there's so much to worry about. For a moment there, I was determined to not be in this spot, and willed myself to be in the JD program I had felt so strongly against doing, but after weighing my circumstances, I withdrew from the JD program I got into (that was also supposed to start tomorrow).
Where does this leave me? I'll talk about this later. Just acknowledging my feelings for today.
Thankful for the gift of music, and the fact that it has always been able to comfort me. I also have Covid right now, which sucks, and is contributing to my overall feeling of malaise. Theraflu helps, but makes me feel groggy in the morning. Finally up and my encouraging playlist has helped me get going. Holding on again to some of the words that got me through grad school, like "Dupe" by Asake.
What is difficult for you is also difficult for somebody. No dey use emotion, better face your grind and make money.
I'm trying, Ololade. I'm trying.
Shout halle - cos you no get today no mean e too far.
Amen, amen to that.
Signing off as "What Would I Change It To" by Avicii x Aluna comes on.
Steady yourself even though you know that you're falling
Maybe you're falling but you're still alive
Ready yourself that's quite enough of your bawling
'Cause baby you're bawling, but you'll survive...
Cutting corners gets you where you're going
But how you get there is the real test...
Losing is only a sign
It's only a sign that you really tried, really tried
They're right. Not all the time but this time, I really, really tried.
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